overwhelmed

Somehow this second stay in the hospital was more impressive than the first one. Perhaps because the first time it was properly planned and we came well-prepared. Moreover, most of the time I was comfortably numb, nicely dozing and sleeping.

The second time we rushed there in the middle of the night, shocked (mentally and nearly physically) by the loss of about 1.5 liters of blood. The news was good -no cancer anymore!- but at the same time I was staying in this cancer hospital after a heavy bleeding. The first time I stayed at the gyneacology department but this time I was in an emergency room at the internal medicine floor. Most of the time I shared my room with a woman who was brought in ill from an infection after chemotherapy. We were separated by curtains but very aware of each other.

Thursday evening (16th) I had a visitor who wheeled me around (I was not allowed to walk because of the wound). While we enjoyed some wine -with permission- to celebrate the good news, other patients walked around with their infusions, some looking bone skinny, who knows how close to death. I felt sort of guilty for being cured and wanted them all to get such good news.

These mixed feelings continue at home, where I have to take it very easy and am worried that I may bleed again, while at the same time I can relax and recover.